Well they only went and bloody won.

England are very much in command in the first test (game) of the Ashes series.

Remiss of me I know but who is a match up between England and Oz called the Ashes.  It like quite a lot of things in cricket goes back a very long way...

And that was it I was struck down by a lurgy reminiscent of many a cricketing tourist to the culinary delights of Bombay or Delhi.

Incapacitated a bit like Mitchell Johnson throughout the whole of the first game.

I do promise to do better with the second match, but as the first two days are to be spent at the Open golf from St Andrews, contact may be limited.

Apologies dear readers...

Moen Ali's beard and Mitchell Johnson's Moustache

A rather strange day for England today.  Moen Ali of the magnificent black beard and probably England's last recognised batsman battled his way to a fighting 77. Thereafter England were skittled out for 430. An increase of 87 runs from yesterday's total of 343.

Look at that beard superb!

My instant reaction 430 not good enough but a lot higher than expected.  Pitches bizarrely play a huge part in a cricket match and this pitch at Cardiff is most definitely a batting wicket.

One highlight of the morning belonged to an Australian, chocolate hard man Mitchell Johnson.  He's a pantomime character and performed so badly against England in 20111 he even has his own song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LE34IjoZBs

"He bowls to the left he bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnston his bowling is shite"

Movember is over Mitch

However in the last Ashes series in Australia in 2013/2104 where he was an absolute star and got 37 people out with some remarkable bowling.

Happily this time around Mitchell has got no one out at all so far and has posted his worst bowling figures ever. Zero people out and he's given away 111 runs!!

Australia then went into bat and in all honesty were a bit of a shambles, thankfully. Some superb bowling by the man with the marvellous beard and it has to be said some fine Captaincy by mild mannered Alistair Cook pegged Australia back somewhat and by the end of Day 2 they had scored 264 runs with five men out. Remember England need to get 10 out before they can bat again.  

So Australia at the end of day 2 have it all to do being 166 runs behind.  However don't count them out just yet, too often the Aussie mongrel has bitten the English lion.

Glossary if cricket terms another 5 

1. Night Watchman - a bad batsmen is sent in when getting towards the end of the day to protect more valuable batsmen for the next day's play - he is allowed a pillow, blanket and hot water bottle over night
2. Umpire - basically the referee not often called a wanker by the more sedate crowd 
3. Howzat - a cry to the umpire when the fielders think a batsman is out - bizarrely an umpire cannot give a batsman out unless there is an appeal
4. All - Rounder - a cricketer that is good at bowling and batting - I hate all all rounders as I wasn't good at either of them
5. Expensive - if a bowler gives away a lot of runs in an over its often described as expensive

Root to the rescue Day 1 Cardiff yes thats in Wales.

Well it was all looking so predictable.

The scene was set.

Joe Root

Anthems played.

England won the toss and chose to bat first.

80 minutes later 3 English batsmen were out for only 43 runs.  In cricket terms this normally leads to what is commonly known as a collapse, i.e. all the batsemen are bowled out for a really poor score.

If I was perfectly honest at that point I thought England would get 150 all out! It wouldnt have surprised me at all and Kylie Minogue would have stepped out tonight to one of London's finest eateries with a smile that would have surely covered all of the diminutive pop princess's rather attractive face, typical bloody Australians.

Then up stepped Joseph Edward Root a 24 year old Yorkshireman. The sort of man who would get asked for ID at most Glasgow nightclubs, and has a passing resemblance to  the Milky Bar Kid (without glasses).

Milky Bar Kid

With a poise and maturity belying his age, and the fact that in his last four innings (times he's batted) against Australia he only managed to score 4, 19, 24 and 15, Root decided to knock the Aussies all over the park.  Joe was finally dismissed on a marvellous score of 133 and at that point England's blushes were well and truly spared.

Credit should also be given to Gary Ballance, a man who's surname is a nightmare to type with auto correct on, who scored 61 runs and also Ben Stokes if I'm honest a poor mans Freddie Flintoff he of telly fame now,  who scored 51.

At the end of the day England scored 343 for 7 which means in layman's terms means that the Aussies got 7 England batsmen out and need to remove another three before they can have a turn batting.

A word as to why this match is in Wales, quite simply money.  Oh that and the fact that the England team is run by the England and Wales Cricket Board.  Why don't Scotland combine and join them as well I hear you ask? I ask myself the same question every summer as I drive down various English motorways on the way to see them.  Anyway the Welsh Government pay a lot of money to English cricket to get them to play in Wales.  It does mean that real icons of cricket such as Headingley in Leeds or Old Trafford in Manchester miss out.  There must be a fairer way to do it, after all who really wants to go to Wales ever!!

So who had the best day today, I will reserve judgement until tomorrow lunchtime but I'd be disappointed if England weren't still batting then.

Glossary of cricket terms another 5

1. Box - A triangular piece of plastic that ladies and gentlemen cricketer's wear to protect their groin area from some lunatic bowling a very hard leather ball at 90 mph plus
2. Getting your eye in - A batsman takes time to get used to the way a bowler bowls the ball before playing his usual game
3. Full toss - no not something you get in a dodgy massage parlour but a normally a very bad ball by a bowler which is easy to hit
4. Lolly - another name for an easy ball to hit or an easy to ball to catch
5. Non-striker - the batsman who stands at the other end and is not batting

P.S. you may have noticed there's not much praise for the Aussies, they are more than capable and often do that themselves. 

Yes I do like cricket and support England

Today is the day I, and yes believe it or not, many thousands of Scots, dust down our three lions replica cricket jerseys, tune into Test Match Special at work and listen to the mighty mighty England take on the ball and chainers, Australia.

 This years Ashes series is met with hope but little expectation. Coming into the series England bashed New Zealand all around the ground in an exciting one day series but sadly Australia have recovered that arrogance, in truth it never went away, and are World Champions and world number one.

When watching the highlights, and I suggest you do (I defy you to watch them three nights in a row and not get hooked)think of Scotland at football playing Germany, Argentina, Brazil etc. 99 times out of 100 we will lose. I'm afraid to say this is the case with this current England Cricket Team.

 Anyway at the suggest of John Botham Gow I've decided to do a blog updating you on the goings on during the Ashes. I hope you enjoy.

 P.S.  A wee glossary of cricketing terms I'll start with five believe me there are thousands (some may be more accurate than others) 

Stumps - three wooden things that the man with the ball tries to hit

 Bales - named after keen amateur cricketer Gareth Bale sit on top of the stumps and fall over if man with ball hits the stumps

 LBW - basically leg before wicket, in simple terms the batsman has used his pad to prevent the ball hitting the stumps and knocking off the Gareth Bales.

 Baggy Green - its a cap worn by Australian cricketers and is baggy as they couldn't find any decent milliners around the time they started playing cricket

 Silly point - yes really its a place where someone stands to catch the ball or stop the ball that suggests you must be a bit daft to stand there as its so close to the batsmen. However its not only silly point but also silly mid off, silly mid on and silly mid wicket!]]